- By Jarys
The Geek or Nerd as social pariah is a long standing trope
in both fiction and social expectation. Geeks are often equated with other
groups perceived as outsiders, such as the neuro-atypical and some ethnic
minorities. Paradoxically, this image is internalized both individually among
geeks and as a group as the label brings us together in pursuit of greater
socialization. We often see ourselves as loners and use our socially fraught past
as a badge of honor. Unfortunately, I have seen geeks judge and reject other
geeks on the grounds the subjects were “too socially acceptable” to mainstream
culture. Ironically, these often come from straight white male nerds (a term I
am working to use interchangeably with “Geek”) , the real point of the sentence
being to point out that I have my own ideas on what makes someone “socially
acceptable”. We all do.
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| Hipsters are NOT socially acceptable to Jarys |
In the
end Nerds/Geeks are people who are perceived to be outcasts, outsiders, and
outliers, who tend to identify with that image, this doesn't define the group,
but it’s a general characteristic. It’s something that defined nerdiness for me
before I realized I was a nerd. My
father is a nerd for Tolkien, was a computer game fan for a while, and
generally loved the science fiction and fantasy genre. He had a wondrous
relationship with Star Wars, which he engendered in me by showing me A new Hope
very early. My mom less so, though she was very studious, loves historical
fantasy, and eventually became a new age enthusiast. However I wouldn't say I
grew up in a nerdy household, because both my parents (especially my dad) would
repeat to me how socially undesirable it was to be nerdy. Nerds were not well
liked and my dad increasingly criticized my geeky pursuits as I grew up as
something I should be embarrassed about and from which I should branch away. Throughout and after
college both parents begged and entreated me to socialize outside of geeky
culture, in fear it would close me off by its very nature.
It wasn't always this way, my love of Star Wars, reading books above my age’s
reading level, legos, comic books, the Ninja Turtles and others were seen as
“normal boy interests”. But as I grew up, my interests grew to new places
(acting, writing, social science, roleplaying games) and my previous interests
mostly didn't go away, much to my dad’s dismay. Video game consoles were banned
from the house so that I wouldn't “be staring at the TV like a zombie for
hours”. After watching “The Maltese Falcon” in 7th grade I began
wearing a trench coat to school. I used birthday favors right before high
school to leverage my mom to paint my room as a Star Wars/fantasy vista. Each
would get me lectures and I eventually began bringing home Animmorph an comic
books home in brown paper bags so I wouldn't have to hear lectures on
appropriate reading for my age. Despite this my parents used these interests to
reach out to me, buying me Star Wars books and memorabilia for Christmas. I
don’t mean to give the impression that I hide to live a double life, but the
judgment was there, especially the judgment of socially outcasting myself.
What I
try to tell my parents, something that took me a long time to learn, is how
socializing it can be to be a geek or nerd. My interest in writing helped me
make friends in the literacy club, where I made my longest lasting friends in
high school. I made friendships that lasted outside of school over role playing
and Shakespeare. At the time I saw these things as normal, but also a relief. I
struggled with alienation throughout most of my life (still do, really) and
connecting with people over common interests really helped me feel less alone.
In college, I discovered Player Versus Player, a webcomic that touted being a
nerd or geek as a social group, and I realized I was such a person and so were
most of my friends in High School. I didn't make any lasting friendships until
I connected with people on those interests (I tried partying and found it very
alienating). I made friends with Esther over Morrowind and the occult and Mike
and Mae Linh over role playing games and Star Wars. More friends were added as I
began playing card and board games, going to LARPs, and tried online
communities. Eventually, the two long term relationships I've had, with a
female friend of a friend in college and a young man after college, both arose
from shared geeky interest. I find, in dating, I am attracted to geeks because
they tend to be comfortable displaying intelligence, a trait I find very
attractive.
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| Check out that intelligence on Spidey. MmmMMM |
What I
discovered is that, while we are probably Geeks because we are so unabashedly
enthusiastic for these rarely popular pursuits, we dive in to these pursuits in
part as a salve to the heartache of being alone. Finding others who like to do
what we like to do allows us to structure socialization around those hobbies
and interests safely. LARPs especially allow a safe space to practice being
more social, in which failure can we forgotten as a type of game play that did
not get the desired result. In discussing the way themes of science fiction
reveal truths about humanity we get to see the humanity in our friends. In
costuming, role playing, and writing we allow ourselves to celebrate ourselves
in a way in which we can safely expect positive feedback and constructive criticism.
To see
others who like what we like, do what we do, we feel less alone and more human.
We feel a part, one of a group, like we belong. This is a very human need and
solution. It’s what brings people to sports, to fashion, to any social
activity. The difference is that geeks and nerds exist under a unified culture
defined by uninhibited enthusiasm and unpopular interests, ironic because there
is no one name for this group. As geekiniess begins to become more socially
acceptable the definition will change. Acceptance of nerdy pursuits has already
helped show the enthusiasm characterized by far more “normal” pastimes, terms
like “baseball nerd” and “Policy geek” being examples. The greater acceptance
of women within geeky culture recently has truly helped this process as
interests in knitting, themed painted nails,
and others once seen as exclusively female have come to be seen as
geeky, geeky and female no longer being socially mutually exclusive.
In the
end, what I try to tell my parents is that my interests are just interests,
like anyone else’s. They help me meet people like any hobby. They distract me
from other parts of my life, like any hobby. They are fun and they appeal to
me. What I tell myself is that my past of feeling alienated and weird arose not
from my interests but from different matters. Geekiness is part of who I am (I don’t really
see myself as nerd) and something I like about myself. My interests don’t
remove me; they bring me closer to people I want to be with. 
