Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Amazon Drones: Frightening, or Fun?

      With the announcement of the possibility of Amazon using drones to deliver their packages, there have been many a debate about the problems this delivery method might bring about. What many fail to recognize is the possibilities the drones bring for us. There are benefits to having automaton buddies flying around our neighborhoods. Here are some positive things to consider, should Amazon carry through with the drone idea:

Target Practice
Many of us talk about what we’ll do when the zombie apocalypse happens. What most of us don’t consider is how awfully out of practice we are at hitting moving targets. Now, you can take hold of the opportunity to prep for doomsday using the robots zooming about in the air (or on the ground). You’ll have ample opportunity, as there’s bound to be many in every major city daily. Take up arms with your shotgun, machete, or boomerang, take aim, and fire. If you choose to take up a gun, consider how loud it is. Remember: Your neighbors can hear most of those buggers if you don’t use a silencer, and some larger caliber beasts need extra padding to properly quiet the shot. The sound of the bullet piercing the casing of the drone will be audible, so be prepared to run before the five-oh can get you. If you use a flamethrower, try to do it in daytime, and make sure you have enough fuel to go through those metal shells so you can properly fry that circuitry. For sharp-and-shiny lovers, this will be a good time for you to learn parkour.  If Amazon decides to go with flying drones, you’ll have to jump from weird places to hack away. Should Amazon decide to deliver via wheels, running is something to consider making a staple of your daily workout. Either way, you’ll need to run once you’ve taken out your target, because the sound of your blade gutting the enemy will be pretty well heard throughout the block.

Hacking Practice
A lot of my hacking buddies (including my code monkey dad) tout their “mad skills.” What they lack is practice hacking on the go. These moving targets are a great way for hackers to flex their binary muscles. If you choose to try this out, you may want to consider prepping a mobile rig. Your rig should come with a pre-coded program to help you lock on to the droid’s signal, a driver ready for takeoff, and (most importantly) a rig that can handle the high-speed tomfoolery you’ll be attempting. The finishing touch on your chase vehicle should be a fridge filled with energy drinks and sugary snack foods. Because, well, you aren’t always going to see “Access Granted” on your screen. When you do, though, you’ll feel the glorious victory that is being a 1337 H4X0r. Once you’re in, you can make the drones do a jig, pants your older brother, or even pull the wig off of Donald Trump.

A New Pet
Sometimes we get lonely, and not in the way that some alone time with RedTube and tissues can fix. Sometimes, we need a friend who will always be there for us, no matter what. Once you’ve figured out how to hack into your new slave pet, you can reprogram it to co-op CoD with you, fetch your pipe and slippers, and deliver you breakfast in bed. This pet won’t trash talk you or complain about the hard work it does for you. If you prefer your new buddy to talk, you can easily install a speaker system and an AI like Siri who will answer your questions and help you with your homework. You’ll have a Jarvis of your own, minus the snide remarks.

Free Stuff
With no delivery man to make sure the package is taken by the right person, you’ll have an easy opportunity to find yourself a new surprise gift! All you have to do is follow one until it reaches its drop-off, and simply whisk away the stolen package present to your home! You may also use the method of hacking or target practice to obtain your gift, if you prefer to make a sport of it. Did you get a new toaster? Is it a pair of rabbit slippers? Who knows! Just hope it’s not something that you’d find in your mother’s sock drawer.

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