Tuesday, April 1, 2014

28 Cheese Sandwiches You Wish You Were Eating Right Now. By Charlie St. Claire

      Hiya Folks! My name is Charlie St. Claire and I'm new to the Ace of Geeks Blog! You may not know me, but I have been a long time writer for some very popular websites. But none of those internet sites have ever let me write to my interests. Always this technological doodad or that summer action picture. Never has there ever been a chance for Charlie to write what Charlie REALLY wants to write. So when Mike and Jarys asked me to write an article on cheese sandwiches' rad selection, I knew my time had come. It doesn't matter that the Ace of Geeks is still small, it's the perfect place for me to express my one true love.

Uhh...Charlie? We asked you to write an article about squeezing bandwith out of a bad connection...- Ed
     As it so happens, there is a quite a variety of different types of cheese sandwiches, I'd even call such a selection rad, if I were the kind of kid my mother didn't want me hanging around when I was twelve ha ha ha guys. The Ace of Geeks sure went to the right writer for the job, I've been compiling a whole sheaf of cheese sanwich pictures and notes, which is all set to present to you, the reader!

     So let's get started!

    I selected that first picture because within its complicated depths you can clearly see the elements of a good cheese sammich. That is to say cheese, condiment, and bread. Of course you can't see the condiment in this picture, it's covered by the cheese. And I wouldn't serve this sandwich to anyone, not even ol' Charlie St Claire. It just looks so.....drab ha ha ha guys. It's a textbook cheese sandwich though, If they were going to make a textbook on cheese sandwiches, this would be the main picture. Of course, no one is making such a tome....or I would have heard about it.

     Let's move on, shall we? ok? ok.


Charlie, would you return our emails please? There's been a misunderstanding. - Ed

     This picture perfectly shows how the most important step is when you cut the cheese. Cutting one or two slices of cheese into quarters can give you a much denser packed sandwhich. You want every bite to be filled with crisp, rich cheesy goodness. It's just like I always say, Cheese is Cheering!@ Of course I can't say things like that in my other articles, those sites aren't as kind to Charlie as the Ace of Geeks ha ha ha guys. But, mmm-MMM, just look at the bread on that sammich, it's just delectable, isn't it? 

Ok, well, at least this can't get any worse. -Ed

     The above picture shows what NOT to do in making a cheese sandwhich. I always say, you can't ruin a good thing, but that sanwich maker certainly did ha ha ha guys. Don't worry, I have the best sanwhiches coming up. Not like this sammich, this sammich goes in the trash. Ugh.

     Now, I don't know about you, but I believe in doing things right. When you put your all in to something, it will come out so beautiful. Some people just don't do that. They don't know the value of hard work ha ha ha guys. Not Charlie St. Claire, he was a dependable fellow, that's what they'll say. When I'm dead. 

.....I'm really hungry. -Ed

     Now that's a sammich? Isn't the word "sandwich" just scrumptious? It reminds me of the word "soup" and "Lunch". I always felt those words put me in a mood for munching, because they just sound so delicious! Speaking of delicious, here is everyone's favorite cheese sandwhich, the grilled cheese! Now, I don't know why everyone prefers the grilled cheese, maybe it's the butter on the crust, maybe the heat seals in all the cheesy goodness. But I do know that a grilled cheese is not complete without a side of tasty tomato soup. Just like my dad used to make when mother would be gone for days ha ha ha guys. 

This looks like the plastic food they put out in front of some Japanese restaurants- Ed 

     Here's a grilled cheese sandwich with a bowl of fruit. This just goes to show how attractive a thoughtfully arranged sammich can be. Presentation is everything, whether you are entertaining guests (oh you!) or eating one the lonesome. What matters is that you take pride in your work. I really can't enjoy even a good cheez sandwich if my heart didn't go in to it. 

He has 28 of these? Godsdammit, Google images. - Ed 

     Speaking of sides, this little fella has some veggies and dip! Cheese Summiches can be healthy too, especially when served with celery. Did you know that celery burns more calories than it gives you. It's mostly water, guys! And celery is super tasty with some ranch dressing. So are Kheez Sandwiches, because a good condiment is a good condiment! A lesser blogger would have forgotten that this blog is about cheese sammiches!

Isn't this Panini? Panini doesn't go with grilled cheese sandwiches. - Ed
     This grilled cheese sumwich has pesto inside! Isn't that the best? I love pesto, and (unless you are allergic to it) you do too. This guy in my spinning class tried to tell me that he didn't like pesto, but I don't believe him. What kind of person doesn't like pesto? I think it's so sad when people lie to themselves ha ha ha guys.

I've broken down. I've tried deleting the article and he just pastes an up-to-date copy. - Ed

     Unlike the last grilled cheese sammich, this grilled cheese sammich is a panini! Panini comes from Italy, and some people say that panini can't be grilled cheese but that is just so bigoted. It even has a bit of grapes. And some meat inside.....which would detract from the flavor of the cheese ha ha ha guys. This summich isn't so good, let's move on!


This one looks kinda gross. - Ed

     Now this panini is going places. It has crisp lettuce taste and...some kind of vegetable. Maybe it's a pepperoncini? Pepperocini in a panini! That should be a song. I bet this sandwhich tastes like a song. Mmmmm. 


Oh come on, it's all limp! Heh. -Ed

     Let's move away from grilled cheese panini sumiches. This tasty snackeroo has lots of lettuce, far more crisp than the sandwhich above, due to being served at room temperature. Cheese and lettuce go together like two friends, the rich softness of the cheese and the crisp watery coolness of the lettuce....no...they are more than friends. THEY ARE BEST FRIENDS.

You know, Charlie, if you don't steal images from other sites, they wouldn't have watermarks. -Ed

     An onion or two is not to be taken lightly either. Just don't open your mouth while you cut them if you don't want to cry, my dad always said. Then again, I always found that not opening my mouth in my parent's kitchen was a safe way not to cry ha ha ha guys. What I really want to draw your attention to is this bread. That, my friends, is some grade A, pureBREAD ciabatta. Ciabatta (pronounced CHAW-BADDA) is great with cheese, being so porous and lightly flavored. 

Do what you want with puns, but capitalizing the joke is just insulting. - Ed

     Now, you have my permission experiment with different cheeses. We all go through growing phases before we figure out what kind of cheese we want in our lives. This cheese is a soft white European something, spread on cut beets. You know, I think this bread might be ciabatta too.....huh. I don't think I've ever had a sandwhich like this one. How embarrassing, I'm going to take a minute to write myself a note in my sammich diary. 

Ugh, I hate tomatoes. Well, not the flavor, just the texture. I don't know why. -Ed
     Tomatoes were once thought to be the natural enemy to cheese, but scientists found this not to be the case. Tomatoes can really add to the flavor of a cheese summich, especially if you are using a sharp, hard cheese. Just remember this memory device; FCMAT! Fancier the Cheese the More Appropriate the Tomatoes. It's kind of a shame that they used such a boring bread for this cheese, lettuce, and tomato sandwhich. You know what would have gone well with those three? CIABATTA! 

     You know, Mike and Jarys did tell me that this is a geeky blog. They wanted me to keep things....nerdy? Well, I don't know how being ca-razy for Kheez Sandwiches is not nerdy, but just in case, here's a picture of everyone's favorite superhero...... BATMAN!!!

       You know, I never got the appeal of Batman. He's always so intense, just like the crime he supposedly fights. Maybe if he learned to take life with a smile he's actually lower the crime rate, you know? 


Dear readers, please accept our apology. We and only we are responsible for this. -Ed

     He is handsome though. You know, I never understood why they got Zach Snyder to play Batman. He just doesn't look anything like the character. Though I don't know anyone who's hair is this crazy. It's like his ears send invisible "I'm so intense" lines up his hair so the sides stand up and away. I hear the pictures were good though.

You know nothing, Charlie St. Claire - Ed
     Oh, batman's mask has little hair protectors. Good, wouldn't want anything to mess up those side tufts when he takes it off. It looks like his knees have them too. Does he need to protect his knee hair? I don't mean to single myself out like this, but I just don't understand Batman. Why does he have metal claws? Wouldn't it make more sense for him to have echolocation and wings?

I do admit, Batman should have echolocation -Ed

     I mean, yeah, I totally get the whole "bat" thing here, look at his face...actually he looks a bit more like a Capuchin monkey. No....no it's definitely more of a bat face. And that makes sense, after being bitten by a science-bat, of course Bruce Gotham's face would look like a bat. Still, those claws.....



     The claws define the character, and I guess that makes sense. He's very deadly. I think I saw a cracked article yesterday titled "The ten most brutal murders by Batman" or something like that. Violence is fun, they tell me, but do we have to make heroes out of murders? No one ever grieves for all the faceless chumps Bruce Gotham has to go through to get to.....I want to say "the Flamingo"? I guess I'm not that kind of nerd ha ha ha guys.

Liefield's spiritual student - Ed

     Those claws are metal, right? Well why do they bend all curvy like that? and why are his shoulders higher than his head? This picture is particularly disturbing. I think the artist knows about as much about realism as I do about Batman.


Batman is the one who is going to need a hug after this, Wolvie. -Ed

     Ah, here he is in the classic batsuit. I understand that thing is riddled with machines and special gadgets You know, I think I read a comic once where he solved a whole mystery and crime thing without using his claws. He just used all these gadgets. I think the bad guy in that one was some kind of bird man.

I feel like he'd cut his fingers off on the second slice. -Ed
     ...and here we see Batman teaching us how NOT to make a sammich. Don't you kill people with those? That is NOT Hygienic Batman! 

     Now let's back to the great kheez summich ha ha ha guys.

What IS that? -Ed
 Here's a great example of a cheese sanditch I found on the interwebs, guys! Look at that cute little face! I just want to hug him and squeeze him and eat him up whole.

Although, it's weird, ever since I posted that image, I keep seeing this thing out of the corner of my eye. Let me draw it for you.


Oh, Hell NO! Literally! I'm out of here. -Ed

     I and I keep seeing this chap out of the corner of my...my eye-AHHHHHNONONONOGAWDARRRGH. Is that how you write a horrible death scream? I thought it would be respectful to memorialize Charlie's last words. There just wasn't room for both of us in here, and I'm not used to limiting myself to such a body. 

     Perhaps I should introduce myself. I am the Great Kheez Summich, an Old One from a reality wholly superior than your own. Seriously. We've had Star Wars Episode VII for ages now. I have spent millennia gazing into the pool of your world, letting my tendrils make ripples on the surface of what you so quaintly define as "real".  I have waited aeons for this moment.

     I have always wanted to write for a blog. We Old Ones have technology so advanced you would only understand it as magic, but do we have blogs? No! After the advent of blogs I had to wait for someone who's love for something that rhymes with my name and penchant for attention seeking misspellings to come along and...open a door, as it were.

     So let's write an article shall we? EDITOR! I know you will read this, attend to me! I summon thee with this picture!

Oh gods oh gods oh gods. How do you know I'm reading this? - Ed
     Time and space are mere illusions to which I am not bound, Editor. Now, I'm going to write an article and you are going to help me. What is this Article about, human?


Squeezing bandwidth...uh....communications...technology? - Ed

     Technology? As a member of a race immeasurably more scientifically advanced than your own, I think I can help you there. BEHOLD!

That's...that's...that's a giant flea? I think. -Ed

     Yes, they are quite an incredible tool, crafted for multiple purposes. Great for pests too. Ok, fine, that isn't what you are looking for. I can be versatile. I am the Great Kheez Summich. I can go with the flow. What is this blog all about? I've read through your entire archive in picoseconds, but I don't quite get the overarching theme here....What is this geekery? 

     Wait.....don't...confine yourself to these captions. Send me a complete and full explanation of all that is...."nerdy" and "geeky" to my email at KheezSummich@Eldritchmail.com. Go on, Editor, scuttle off.

     Let.s have a look around the late Mister St. Claire's apartment, shall we? To my left I see....drapes with a pink tropical print that matches...nothing else in the room. That's special. To my right is a Macintosh computer tower stacked horizontally on Charlie's three previous Macintosh computers. Waste not, wont not, I suppose. Across from me is a closet where....are these ties arranged by color? No....no. They are arranged by color and width. 

     I am older than human history, and even I don't have time to do that. Charlie, Charlie, Charlie. What I mind you must have had. I wonder if I remembered enough of you to create a simulacrum. I would love to know why you have framed color printed pictures of cheese sandwiches on your wall. What lead to that?

     Let's skip ahead shall we? I've read this email, I think I understand this "geek culture" completely. I have reviewed Charlie's memories, looked through his emails with the editors, and I am prepared to give you, the readers, exactly what you want. 

     Want a taste?


Yes, Great Old One. You understand all. I await your bandwidth article like a feverish cultist. - Ed
     Excellent. I shall write your article about squeezing bandwidth! It shall be glorious! Here we go.

I give up. - Ed

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