Thursday, September 19, 2013

Roland Emmerich, Please Stop. By Kyle Johannessen

So. Roland Emmerich is going to remake Stargate. Which he originally made. He’s going to remake his own movie. Isn't that special? To be fair, he’s not the first person to do this. Hell, great directors have done it in the past. Michael Mann (Heat was originally a made for TV movie), Cecil B. DeMille (Ten Commandments), even Alfred Hitchcock (The Man Who Knew Too Much) remade his own film. So why does it bother me so much that Roland Emmerich is doing it? Because he isn't even in the same league as any of these guys.

He’s incapable of making a film where the White House doesn't get destroyed or is at least implied that it is destroyed.  Hell the only reason that it wasn't destroyed in The Patriot (the only movie of his I actually enjoy) is because the damn thing hadn't been built yet. The same goes for 10,000 BC and Anonymous. And if they hadn't beaten the aliens in Stargate, I'm sure they would have blown up the White House. (So..that's like half his movies. -Ed) Hell, I seriously thought him making White House Down was him just making fun of himself. But Anonymous is actually where I'm going to start my burning of Roland Emmerich.

 The reason why, in my not so humble opinion, that Roland is going back to the well and remaking Stargate, not to mention making sequels to Independence Day, is because Anonymous flopped. Flopped bad. Because it was bad. Which is a shame, because it was an interesting idea,”Hey, let’s explore the theory that Shakespeare didn’t actually write his plays!” Why, Roland, that is a splendid idea! We can have some political intrigue and mystery and maybe some rivalry! “No, we’re gonna tell you he didn’t write them in the first five minutes.” BAD ROLAND! BAD!

 It was his first foray into dramatic filmmaking and it was bad. What do actors and filmmakers do when they try something new and fail? They go back to the well and fade away. Unless you’re M. Night Shamylan, who desperately needs to go back to the well. But that’s neither here nor there. Roland tried to pretend that he was a serious filmmaker and couldn’t handle it, so he’s running back to what he was good at, high concept action. Gutless.
This is a man who couldn’t make a good Godzilla movie. The Master of Disaster couldn’t make a decent movie about a giant lizard stomping around New York. Probably because the White House isn’t in New York. (Oh hey, another one. -Ed) Not that facts like that matter to Roland. Did you know that Wholly Mammoths built the pyramids?!* (*10,000 BC) I know one needs to suspend disbelief when seeing films of this nature but even five year olds know that a wholly mammoth wouldn’t be able to live in a desert, Roland! Would it kill you to hire a science advisor for ONE of your movies?!

I mean. Stargate was an alright movie. It was a good enough concept to spawn a whole lot of decent TV shows (Atlantis was dumb and you all know it.) (Shut up, Kyle. -Ed) And yeah, it’s been nearly 20 years since it came out. Yes, feel old. But have your really tapped yourself out creatively so much, Roland, that you have to go back that far to find success? Are there no more original ideas floating around in your brain? Or are you so distracted by visions blowing up the White House that you just can’t think straight anymore? Or, have you filmed the White House blowing up so much that you’re now on a NSA watch list and you have to redeem yourself? Whatever it is, Roland, you should figure it out. Because if all we can look forward to from you is more Stargates and Independences Days, then I think you’d be better off retiring.  I mean, the last movie with Forever as a subtitle was pretty god awful, (I’m looking at you, Batman Forever).
Oh well, at least we’re going to get a good Godzilla movie now. What’s that? David S. Goyer wrote it? …

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