Wednesday, April 1, 2015

The Geeks Are Going To War! (or: The Last March of the Geeks)

I'm writing this in a maintenance closet... I hope it gets out... I hope I'm not too late...

Jarys came back from his mission and immediately called a meeting in the middle of the Editor's room. We all gathered there, and they made a very rousing speech about how we needed to band together and strike the keys hard and fast to spread the word - The Ace of Geeks is now under new management! He changed the name of the blog to "The Ace of Greeks," with Mike's full support! I couldn't believe it! What the hell was going on?

Jarys waved a bunch of papers and said that they are now in charge, and we need to buckle down if we expect to get paid. More news about the latest gadgets and gizmos, more dice rolling, more topics in discussion on the audio podcasts. Tighter deadlines and everything has to pass his desk before being published or posted on the podcast. Then they said it - "BETTER CONTENT, GODDAMMIT - THERE WILL BE TOPIC ASSIGNMENTS DAILY!"

Cheers went up from the Greek food truck freeloaders, and the Rebel Potluckers all dashed back to the break room. We locked the door, and barricaded it with the Xerox machine. People started asking what the next step was - clearly, we were going to war.

Doris from the mail room (good ol' granny Doris, bless her heart) was looking at the whiteboard while she ate some sashimi. She insisted that we go forward with our plans to convert the food truck into a taco truck, and everyone agreed.

Norman from the audio room went up to the whiteboard and continued outlining his plan for us all. Then he gave squad assignments - Tony, Ross and Aurelio from Motor-pool were to set their shop up for the quick conversion. Clarice from the Art department was to get her crew and start designing the paint job for the truck. Our courier Ansel was to go steal the truck and bring it back here through the back garage entrance. The cafeteria workers said they would staff the taco truck when it was ready.

My job was to go and try to shut Jarys down once and for all - this crap was getting out of hand, and we were running out of mashed potatoes. So while everyone else went to their assigned stations and began their missions, I peeked out the narrow window of the break room door.

I was startled when a golem popped up and peered back at me. "Hi! My name's Schmucky - wanna play?" it said. I got chills. I now understood exactly what had to happen. I moved the Xerox machine, opened the door, and yanked Schmucky in. I got help to set the barricade up again, and I grabbed two of the other bloggers - Derek and Ruby - who didn't have assignments yet. I told them to stay with me and follow my lead.

We took Schmucky out the back door, and took the hall out to the elevator lobby. "Now, listen up, you schmuck -" "My Name's Schmucky! Wanna play?" Ruby glared at Schmucky. I sighed, and continued. "Look, golem - if you wanna play, you need to work with us. Understand?" The golem nodded. "Good. you're gonna love this game..." I sent Schmucky in to the Editing room, and we watched as Schmucky carried out the instructions I gave him. He jumped on Jarys' back, and gleefully shouted "Yay! Schmucky WINS!"

All hell broke loose as Jarys tried to get Schmucky off their back. Mike dodged the flying pitas, and we ran into the Editing room. Ruby snatched the documents out of Jarys' hand, and ran back to the break room with Derek and myself following her quickly, covering our retreat.

Back in the break room, we handed the documents over to Frenchy from Legal. "Can they do this?!" I asked. I was mad! Goddammit, I wanted my burgers and tacos back. I mean, getting paid is nice, but money isn't everything. And I certainly didn't like the idea of not getting to pick my own topic. Frenchy read through the documents. "Well... it seems pretty straightforward - yes, they can do this.. Wait! I found a loophole!"

We all waited with bated breath as Frenchy looked some more. Then he announced,"Yes! It can be done." He whipped out his cell phone, and made a call to his personal contracts attorney, and they spoke for a few minutes. When he ended the call, he made a note on the top sheet of the documentation and handed it to me. "Go to that address, and talk to my guy. He'll help. He has to... He's our only hope..."

I ran down the back hall to the elevator lobby and hit the "down" button. While I was waiting, I peeked around  a corner to see if anyone else was coming. I could see the AoG circulation desk clearly, and Lina was sitting there. She looked up and saw me. She got up and yelled, "One's getting away!" The elevator chimed and the doors whooshed open. I got in, and mashed the "door close" button for all I was worth. The doors closed, and I hit the "G" button. When the elevator got me to the ground floor, I bolted out of the building. I ran like a bat out of hell for two blocks to the address that Frenchy had given me.

When I entered the offices of Dante Randall Esquire, I went to the reception desk. "Quick! I have an appointment! Which way?" The receptionist started checking her book. "Name?" "No time! Which way?" I yelled. She started to say something about I can't go in without a confirmed appointment, but the phone rang. She answered it, and I sped off down the hall. "That would have been a stupid conversation anyway," I muttered as I looked for the attorney's office. I found it and barged in.

A big man in a small suit was sitting at an over-sized desk. I babbled at him - "Frenchy sent me - you're here to rescue us!" He blinked. "You're a little... short... for a blogger, aren't you? Nevermind. Frenchy told me what you need." He pulled out some paperwork form a drawer, and handed it to me. Getting up, he said "I'll come with you to back you up. We will need to get both Jarys AND Mike's signatures on these if Mike decides that he really does want things back how they were." I was dumbfounded. Now we would have to convince Mike that he needed to come over to the potlucker's table. Okaaay. No problem...

We walked back to the Ace of Geeks office building, took the freight elevator up, and went to the break room. I told the cafeteria staff to get down to Motor-pool and set up the truck as soon as it was ready. I asked Doris to go take a plate of sashimi (somehow they had managed to procure some VERY fresh ahi) prepared for Mike. She sliced that fish like nobody's business.

The attorney and I moved the Xerox machine. I looked around the room, and sighed. "If we don't come back, keep going forward with the plan!" We took Doris by the arms, and led her into the Editing room. We sent her to Mike with the plate of fresh sashimi. The attorney and I walked behind her. When he took the plate from Doris, I told him "We want you to know something..." The attorney explained about the loophole in the legal arrangements Jarys had made.

"Mike, they're trying to do a hostile takeover and cut you out. I don't care WHAT they promised you, you need to look at this!" Mike stood up and followed us back to the break room, plate in hand. He perused the documents that Jarys had drawn up, and got miffed. He shook his head. " No... NOOOOO!" The attorney handed Mike the new documents, and then he pulled something else out of his briefcase - a new set of documents requiring only one signature - Mike's. "With these, you can block this take-over AND have a taco truck."

"Tacos? Cool cool!" Mike looked over everything, and asked Frenchy to take a look. Frenchy concurred that it would be in the blog's best interests. Mike signed the documents, and we breathed a sigh of relief. Now it was time to take the blog back. I collected the documentation and grabbed the lawyer, and went to confront Jarys.

As we entered the room, we were met with stares and mutterings. People guarded their Greek salads. I walked up to Jarys' desk, and I looked them in the eye. "You can't do this. We want our freakin' tacos, dammit!"

A loud ruckus was heard from the street outside, and a nicely painted taco truck pulled up. The cafeteria staff inside started slinging tacos, burritos and enchilada plates at all comers. Jarys went to the window. "You think you can block me this easily, girl? Try again," they said with a sneer as they lobbed a typo-ridden article draft at me. "Fix THIS!"

I snatched it out of mid-air, and quickly looked it over. I went to a computer, edited it, and printed it. "Done. We WILL have our tacos." I waved my hand, and people started running out to the taco truck, leaving their gyros and salads behind. I showed Jarys the paperwork blocking their take-over. "You weren't very thorough in your legal planning, Jarys. We found a loophole. The blog is ours!" Jarys spat some legal babblication at me, but the attorney neatly deflected it with an addendum. "Jarys, you have no legal leg to stand on. Your Greek food truck is closed! And your days as tyrant are OVER!" I grabbed a pen. Stuffing it into their clenched fist, I forced them to sign the addendum. I jumped up on his desk and faced the bloggers left in the room. "We still work for Mike - and for free, but at least we have TACOS!"

I handed the paperwork to the attorney, and he dashed off to get it filed. Jarys attempted to follow, but I shut the door in their face and ran for the maintenance closet. Now we wait for the filing. I left Doris in there... I hope she's alright...

UPDATE: As you may have guessed, this was part of our April Fool's silliness yesterday. Go check out the rest of the story here:

Part One!
Part Two!
Part Three!
Part Four!
Part Five!
Part Six! (You Are Here)
Part Seven!
Part Eight!

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